was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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