Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
