the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
How external is "for external use only"?
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
His nipple licking is glorious
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
