i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
