i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
