come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Randomize
