i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
me + whiskey = a bad person
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Randomize
