I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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