I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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