Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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