Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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