It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
