did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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