she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
