she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
