my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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