she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I AM VODKA MAN
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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