You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
