hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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