I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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