when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
