I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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