Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
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For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
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Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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