Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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