I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Randomize
