Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
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im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
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