You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
