We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Randomize
