Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
They took my balls.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
