I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
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