She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
