dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
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my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
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Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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