Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
