just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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