all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
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The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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