I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
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I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
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