I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
