my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
