She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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