I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Ladies don't puke and tell
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
