I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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