i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
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