We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
