she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
