so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
