I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
