It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
