I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
