I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
