Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
