dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
