Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
