Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Randomize
