I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
