i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
