And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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